Just the other day, my eight year old daughter was trying her best to convince me that it was a good idea to get her a smart watch. —Now don’t get me wrong, I really think a smart watch is a terrific first mobile device for a child or tween!— In the case of my daughter, I don’t see a big enough need, just yet, to justify getting her a smart watch. I also have concerns with the habits my daughter may develop if she were to get a smart watch at this stage in her life.
Needless to say, my daughter was quite unhappy with me when I told her I wouldn’t be getting her a smart watch anytime soon. Though my daughter complained and was upset with my decision to not get her a smart watch, I could see there was a lot of value in having her wait.
Delayed Gratification
In our digital world we easily get impatient. No other time in history has mankind had access to so much so quickly.
My six year old daughter has a book called, Waiting is Not Easy. In this book, the main character comically complains about needing to wait for a “surprise.” After waiting for several hours, the surprise finally comes. In the end, the awe and wonder of the surprise causes the main character to exclaim, “That was worth the wait!”
So what happens when we have to wait for something we want?
We tend to value it more.
In life, we tend to find greater appreciation for the wonder and pleasures of life when there is a period of time we need to wait to see or experience them. This waiting period tends to cause us to value the thing or experience we desire more. Or the thing we desire will fall out of importance in our lives. Not only does this waiting period crystalize value, it also helps teach the life skill of delaying gratification, aka patience.
Because my daughter will need to wait for a period of time before getting a smart-watch, I’m confident that the value and appreciation she will have for the watch will be greater than if she received the watch as soon as she realized she wanted one. I’m also grateful for the opportunity this affords my daughter to practice patience.
Waiting is not always a bad thing. Often, the need to wait becomes an excellent teacher.
Have you ever felt blind-sided with unwholesome content in a movie you just sat down as a family to watch? Or have you given permission to your child to watch a movie you thought was harmless only to hear about themes in the movie you wished they hadn’t been exposed to for another decade? Well, if you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone!
Common Sense Media provides reviews on most popular movies, TV shows, and even video games. Reviews are provided by both parents and kids helping provide multiple perspectives. I especially like the detailed ratings indicating the level of language, sexual content, violence, drug or alcohol references present in a movie or TV show. It’s so helpful to have this reference point!
So, when my children come to me with a movie they would like to watch that I haven’t seen before, I go to commonsensemedia.org. I look over the general reviews about the movie and I dig into the details. While I don’t give my children a free pass to all the media recommended by Common Sense reviews, I really appreciate the valuable reference point Common Sense Media provides!
A Key Question
When it comes to TV shows my kiddos watch, I like ask myself, “is this show demonstrating attitudes and behavior that I want my children to model?” I like to take this question into account for all the media my kids engage with, but I feel this is especially important when it comes to TV shows. Unlike a movie, TV shows account for a lot of viewing hours overtime. If a TV show is full of rude, disrespectful, or violent behavior portrayed by the main characters; children will inevitably pick up on these behaviors because they are seeing this behavior modeled day after day. Because of this, I believe it worth our effort to be very selective about what TV shows our children do or do not watch.
Our Perspective is Vital
Since each child’s needs and personality are different, I don’t believe any rating or review system is adequate to make media content decisions for us. As the parents and guardians of our children, we are in the best position to make media choices for our children that will be the most beneficial for their well-being and their future. As our children grow and become tweens and teens, they will need our support and guidance to safely and successfully navigate the jungle of digital media available to them. I believe that, as parents, we give our children the best chance of an empowered tomorrow when we take an active role in guiding them in their media choices.
P.S. I would love it if you shared your tips and insights on this topic in the comments below.
If you’re like me, you’ve been hit many times with the troubling realization that your kiddos are spending way too much time on screens and engaging with content that’s not so great! When this realization occurs, it’s tempting to say “oh well” and move on with whatever we were doing. However, if we’re real with ourselves–and you’ve read this blog–you know this response leads to huge problems in the future. Instead of throwing in the towel, we can begin today to implement needed change.
There’s no doubt about it! It’s a challenge having our children and youth cut back on the amount of time they spend on their screens and limit their content options. So how can we help this transition be as effective and supportive as possible for our children?
Here are two fundamental paths I see working out in the long run . . .
For Tweens and Teens
Identify a goal, and then cut back on the screen-time to support the goal.
Imagine with me the following scenario: Thirteen year old, we’ll call him “Dustin,” has a routine where he comes home from school and gets on his Nintendo Switch. He spends hours playing games such as Super Smash Bros.™ and Super Mario,™ only stopping for dinner and when we get after him. So what to do?
We can start by asking Dustin why he likes Super Smash Bros.™ and his other video games so much. As we listen to Dustin share his passion for video games, there will be elements in what he shares that translate into the real world. For example, if Dustin talks about how he loves the strategy and action involved in Super Smash Bros.,™ then activities such as martial arts, rock climbing, wrestling, or team sports may be excellent avenues for him to pursue.
After listening to Dustin share what he loves about his video games, we can repeat back to him what we heard him share. (Repeating or reflecting back to our youth the things we heard them say and express is so, so important! This process helps our youth feel understood. When our youth feel understood, they will be much, much more open to hear our concerns and feedback.) Once Dustin feels we understand why he loves his video games, we can then share our concerns about the amount of screen-time (and perhaps content) he is engaging with. After sharing our concerns, we can let Dustin know that we want to help him in both his health and interests. Then we can begin a conversation regarding real world activities that are of interest to Dustin and get him excited!
Once the excitement and vision are there for Dustin, we can help him set goals to engage in the desired activity and accomplish their vision. As part of this planning and preparation, we can communicate our perspective of what it will take to accomplish his goal. This is an excellent opportunity to share what cooperation we will need from Dustin to help make the activity he’s interested in possible, including the limits he will need to place on his screen-time.
As we follow-up with Dustin frequently and encourage him, Dustin will make progress in cutting back on his screen-time and engage with activities that will support his health and development.
By communicating often and openly with our youth and encouraging them along the way, great progress will occur!
For Younger Children
I recommend starting with cutting back on screen-time, and then help children find purposeful, engaging, and exciting activities to do outside the screen.
Depending on the age and maturity of the child, an open discussion may be needed to let our child know why it’s important to cut back on screen-time. I’ve found that children understand more than we give them credit for. Even if our child initially complains or throws a fit about screen-time limits, our explanation as to why we are cutting back on screen-time will likely leave a powerful impression. As we follow-up with by consistently sticking to the new limits as best can, change will happen.
Remember, cutting back the tech doesn’t mean there’s going to be less in life to enjoy, but it does mean we are making a priority of the process necessary to enjoy life more fully. The key, and the challenge, is teaching our children to value and engage with the world outside their screens. I wish I could say this process was easy; we know it’s not. However, with clear communication, patient listening, and loving persistence; I believe our children will come to cherish and pursue a well-balanced life. In time, they will learn to adopt habits that empower them to live a life rich with diverse experiences . . . a life enhanced by digital technology but not overrun by it.
As parents, the word “discipline” may very well trigger feelings such as drudgery, inadequacy, or weariness. If you ask me, this reaction isn’t surprising. We may have developed negative associations with “discipline” from our growing up years; or at the very least, we likely have experienced parental fatigue trying to “discipline” our own children. To counter this reaction, I recommend thinking of discipline as a practice of refocusing. This is particularly helpful when it comes to the approach we take to screen-time.
Developing a daily practice of refocusing is necessary for each of us to become the masters of our screen-time rather than servants. For example, how much effort does it take to become distracted on our smartphones, laptops, or tablets? Mmm . . . yeah, like no effort at all! A small twitch of our thumb is all it takes to swipe, scroll, or tap the touchscreen of our smart-phone and become lost in distraction. It’s not so much a matter of if we will get distracted, but rather a matter of how quickly we can recognize we are getting distracted and refocus our attention on things that matter. So how can we teach our children how to refocus their attention and avoid habits of perpetual distraction with screens?
Disciplined Defense
Teaching our kids to delay gratification by doing chores, homework, exercise, or art before getting on a screen for entertainment, teaches them focus and discipline. When our children learn to stick to screen-time, time limits, they learn how to discipline and refocus. When our children learn to turn off their screens at bed-time, and keep them off, refocus and discipline are developed. When our teenagers get up in the morning and take time to meditate or exercise before checking their phones, this is discipline. All of these practices help and train our children and youth to focus or refocus on things with valuable, long-lasting results.
Disciplined Offense
In the post, With Purpose, I highlight the powerful impact having a goal or purpose in mind gives to our screen-time. As we help our children identify things they want to learn, accomplish and experience in life; screen-time can become a powerful tool to propel them forward in the pursuit of exciting accomplishments with long-lasting value. Developing the discipline to think about what they intend to accomplish by getting on a screen will empower our children and youth to do awesome things in their life!
Putting It Together
I’ve seen in my own family how routines help younger children learn to delay gratification (albeit often grudgingly ;-). Routines also help them learn the skill of refocusing their attention on the physical needs of their bodies, home, and those around them. For teenagers, helping them identify motivating goals along with supportive routines can encourage them to develop their discipline and refocusing muscles. Implementing new routines involving discipline will likely be difficult at first. However, as we listen to our children as they share their concerns as well as their dreams and goals, understanding and buy-in will come. With clear communication and loving encouragement, our children and teenagers will grow in their ability to practice focus and discipline in their approach to screens. As our children and youth practice discipline with screen-time, marvelous results will come. The level of joy, fulfillment, and health they experience in their lives will be much greater as a result.
When I was eight years old, I had the opportunity to fly a single prop, 5 passenger airplane. Now granted, I wasn’t the only person aboard the plane, and I did little more than nervously hold the control wheel. But, hey! I flew the plane for a couple of minutes!
You might be thinking, “What reckless adult would allow an eight year old kid to fly an airplane?!” Well, one of the cool things about planes is that most of them have two sets of controls, including two control wheels. One set of controls is for the pilot and the other set is for the co-pilot. So even if, as an eight year old boy, I would have turned the plane sharply into a barrel-roll, the seasoned pilot could have taken over control of the plane in a moment. Having two sets of controls allows for hands on learning without the risk of trying to fly solo before competency is reached. Similar to the model of a pilot and co-pilot in an airplane, I’d like to introduce you to a new system of controls for novice smart-phone users.
Pinwheel Phones
Similar to flying an airplane, Pinwheel phones allow us, as parents, to fly co-pilot with our children as they use their smart-phones. Unlike a traditional smart-phone where all the apps, contacts, and phone settings are managed through the smart-phone itself, Pinwheel phones are set up and managed through the Pinwheel Caregiver Portal. The Caregiver Portal is an app available via laptop or phone where the smart-phone Contacts, Apps, Modes, and Settings are all managed by the parent or caregiver. All the information, stats, and location of the Pinwheel phone is displayed and managed through Pinwheel’s Caregiver app. For example, if your son or daughter wants to add the phone number of a friend to their contacts in their Pinwheel Phone, they will need to check with you in order to get the contact added. The same thing is also required for any apps that our children want added to their Pinwheel phone. The Pinwheel system requires that the parent or guardian add the app or new contact via Pinwheel’s Caregiver app. Any phone contacts or apps on the Pinwheel Phone can also be removed at will. Through Pinwheel’s system, we are able to essentially “fly” co-pilot with our youth as they learn how to be responsible and purposeful with their smart-phone habits. The Pinwheel Phone is a great option to prepare our youth for the full capability of smart-phones they will have access to as an adult.
Now, a word of caution:
I hope that we as parents do not try and “control” our children through tools such as Pinwheel. I think it’s fair to say that all of us respond poorly when we feel forced to do something. If our children and teenagers feel we are trying to control them rather than guide and help them, resentment will build. When our children gain more independence, then their resentment will naturally find expression in rebelling against what we were trying to teach them in the first place. Instead of using parental controls as a way to force a certain behavior in our children, I hope we use tools, like Pinwheel, to effectively teach our children and youth safe and empowering practices with smart-phones and digital technology. This process is about mentoring and teaching our children not controlling. As parent’s we can be like a seasoned pilot teaching his/her trainee the basics of flying.
While Minecraft and Mario may be engaging games to play on a screen, the investment in these games is unlikely to grow real food, build real buildings, or earn real money. What video and computer games can provide is a leisurely activity to enjoy. Having a fun activity to do in our leisure time is but one of so many things we can use our screen-time for. Here are some other reasons we may want to engage in screen-time:
Communicate with others
Help us learn a skill
Help us build or fix something
Gain understanding on just about any topic in the world
Gain insights into a problem or challenge we are dealing with
Find things that inspire and uplift us
Prepare for a trip
Document a trip or experience
Shop
Earn a living
Start a business
I’m sure you can think of many more things that screen-time can be used for that I did not include here. The point is that there are so many valuable things screen-time can be used for when approached with a specific goal in mind. To help our children learn to use screen-time with purpose, we can ask them what it is they want to accomplish. For example, when our son or daughter comes to us wanting to play a video game, we can help them see that this activity accomplishes having fun in their leisure time, but we can also be clear with them that video games don’t get the house clean, magically complete their homework, or encourage them to eat a healthy diet. With practice, children can come to see screen-time differently than simply a endless supply of entertainment. With coaching and practice, our children can quickly learn that screen-time can help them accomplish so many great things in life when they approach it with a specific goal in mind.
Time Limited
When was the last time you received an assignment at work and were given no deadline for completing the assignment? Or when have any one of your children received a homework assignment with no due date? These scenarios don’t happen very often, if ever. Why is that? Well, without a deadline there’s really no accountability for completing a task or assignment. If something doesn’t have a deadline or time constraint, it’s the same as giving that task or goal zero priority. The task or goal either won’t get done or it will be given a time constraint to ensure it does get accomplished.
When we ourselves, or our children, get on a screen with no clear idea of when we are going to get off and do other things, we are setting ourselves up for compromise in other areas of our lives. Whether it’s sleep, nutrition, exercise, or time spent with family, we are likely to push out valuable things in our life when we don’t have a clear stopping point for our screen-time. Furthermore, when we approach screen-time as a tool to help us accomplish a goal, we naturally have an end point. In my experience so far, I’ve seen that children respond quickly to clear time limits, especially when they understand why the time limit is in place. Having discussions with our children as to why it’s important to have limits with screen-time will help them look for ways they can grow and progress in other areas of their lives.
Picture yourself at a Buffet of awesome, amazing food that just makes your mouth water . . . Then imagine that you have three hours before your next appt. If you’re currently on a diet, pretend this is a cheat day without any restrictions. How are the next three hours going to go? The first hour will probably be pretty blissful. The second hour you’ll probably feel sick and the third hour will likely just be eating out of boredom. Now picture your children at that same buffet . . . How will their next three hours go? If your kids are picky like mine, then their courses for the next three hours are going to be filled with fruit, lemonade, mac and cheese, and any dessert they can get their hands on. To put it plainly, our children aren’t going to fare any better than we are at a buffet without limits.
When we get on our smart-phones, tablets, TVs, and computers; it’s very much like we are entering an enormous all you can eat buffet. The videos, pictures, games, music, news, and information are truly endless. In like manner, if we don’t have any goal in mind and some clear boundaries for ourselves, we will make ourselves sick gorging on the never-ending buffet of media available to us on our digital screens.
So how do we approach screen-time with purpose and help our children learn this vital skill?
Let’s start with what purposeful screen-time is not:
It’s not a Distraction
Allowing ourselves to be distracted frequently with screens diminishes our ability to engage in meaningful ways with the world around us. If our favorite online games, TV shows, or news headlines perpetually distract us, the time energy and focus we have to spend pursuing meaningful dreams and goals in our lives also decreases. Perpetual distraction will also detract from the quality and depth of our relationships we might otherwise enjoy with our close family members and friends.
It’s not an Escape
Just like the habit of eating unhealthy food as a way to cope with negative emotions can create a big health issue in any one of our lives, allowing our children to use screen-time as a perpetual escape from discomfort also builds a habit that can create big, big problems down the road. Using screen-time to escape or numb out negative emotions or discomfort builds dependency on screen-time. Addiction to stimulating screen-time activities such as video gaming or pornography naturally follow when a habit of using screen-time as an escape is developed.
Now, you may be thinking, “What about screen-time just for fun? Or as entertainment? What about screen-time for relaxation and unwinding?”
I would actually say that all of those things; fun, entertainment, relaxation, and unwinding are good purposes and goals with which to use screen-time. The difference is that we have a clear intention for our screen-time ahead of time.
So what does it take to be purposeful in our use of screen-time?
If there’s one thing I could recommend for a child’s bed-time routine is to read books. That may seem overly simple, so let me start with identifying a few things to avoid at bed-time.
First off, screens. . . You know those flat, rectangular things that light up and play movies or games or allow us to get lost surfing the internet or scrolling through social media. Yeah, those screens! 😉 In order to have a sleep supportive bed-time routine, it’s important–even crucial–to turn off and put away our digital screens. What health professionals recommend is turning screens off an hour before going to sleep at night. One of the main for this is that the blue light used to light up our digital devices interferes with our brain preparing for sleep in the evening (Harvard-Blue Light).
Another thing to avoid at night-time is keeping wi-fi and cellular devices next to our children as they sleep. Testing and research indicate that the radiation emitted by cellular and wireless devices can be harmful to the body over time (Environmental Health Trust). Therefore, it’s a good safety precaution to keep any screens or wireless devices away from the area where children sleep or power down these devices at night-time.
So what is helpful to do as we help our children prepare for and get a good night’s sleep? There’s the usual getting on pajamas, maybe a bed-time snack (I’m still trying to get my children to eat more at dinner time so we don’t have to do this snack thing!), brushing teeth, and perhaps evening rituals in preparing for sleep. But what do we do when children are still wanting to play or claim they aren’t tired (my kids do this all the time!)? And what about summer-time when it stays light outside well past 8pm?
Books. Reading books.
Children may not be excited about reading books at first, but with some practice, they will come around.
When it comes to books, I love taking advantage of our public library! At the library, my children can handpick books that are interesting to them. In fact, I have to put a limit on the number of books we check out at a given time because they are so excited with all the fun books they find. When my kiddos aren’t wanting to come inside and get ready for bed, I let them know our book reading time is in jeopardy! My wife and I also require our kids to brush their teeth and be ready for bed before we read to them. We like to do a little contest where the child ready for bed first gets to choose the first book. More often than not, they eagerly step into action in order to not miss reading time.
So what can reading books as a part of a bed-time routine really do for a child? Instead of children decreasing their quality of sleep by being on a screen right before bed, children can prepare for sleep, develop a love of reading, and learn healthy bed-time habits through a reading time routine. My wife and I have found that reading time doesn’t have to be long. In fact, just 10 to 20 minutes each night is sufficient for a great reading experience!
Reading in the evening will replace unhealthy screen-time and, simultaneously, helps support so many other healthy habits in our children’s lives. This is why I truly believe reading to our children as part of a bed-time routine is so, so helpful! It’s a practice that is both an offensive and defensive routine. Reading is awesome!
So why play defense when it comes to screen-time for our children?
The media platforms we know so well such as YouTube, Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TicToc, Snapchat, Hulu, DisneyPlus, and so many others do not have built-in warnings! There is not an alarm that goes off after half an hour of scrolling through social media. There’s not a warning on YouTube when sexually suggestive content in an ad or video comes up. And there’s not any warning given when using any one of these platforms at the expense of sleep or proper exercise and nutrition. It’s like having access to an all you can eat buffet all day everyday without any limits or warnings about the adverse effects of over-eating. Without guidance and coaching, our children and youth will make themselves sick by gorging themselves on the endless buffet of entertainment media. Please forgive me for my rant, but you get the point! Defense is essential for the health and success of our children and the rising generation.
The Foundation
A good bed-time routine devoid of screens is so very important for several reasons. A good bed-time routine supports the work, energy, and creativity for the next day. When children and youth are left consuming media at the expense of the sleep they need, their energy and creativity batteries take a hit. Health experts recommend turning screens off an hour before going to sleep in order to give the brain a chance to wind down and prepare for sleep (American Association of Pediatrics).
Second, a good bed-time routine is an excellent safe-guard against screen related addictions. Children and youth will have much less opportunity to develop an addiction to video games, pornography, or social media when a bed-time routine is followed.
Third, bed-time routines provide an excellent opportunity for reading. I believe reading is the “golden bullet” of bed-time routines. Reading is so helpful for children in their cognitive development and provides a calming activity that helps the mind prepare for sleep. I’ve found that including reading in our bed-time routine provides my children an incentive for getting ready for bed and getting off of screens in the first place. They look forward to having the opportunity to choose a story and have it read to them. In addition to providing a powerful incentive for bed-time cooperation, reading at bed-time also helps children have an interest in reading on their own at other times during the day. Reading with children at bed-time is both a defensive and offensive strategy. Reading with children is powerful!
Time limits
It’s a lot easier for children and youth to get into the weeds of stagnation and screen related addictions when they are left to be on a screen for hours on end. Giving time limits on leisure screen-time helps children know what to expect when they sit down to watch their favorite shows or play a game. When time limits are combined with the Game-Changer routine, children and youth view screen-time as a reward that has limits rather than a lifestyle that has no end. I personally prefer giving my children a 1-2 hour time limit with screen-time. This time-frame works well with our children who are between the ages of 4 and 8.
Go with a Simple Phone
In my post, Ferrari in L.A: Part 2., I talk about the strategy of giving tweens and teens simple phones that don’t include an internet connection. Phone’s such as the Gabb Wireless phone or a basic flip phone are a great way to play defense when it comes to the amount of time youth spend on the internet. When youth do not have constant access to the internet, they will feel more purpose and have more direction in their use of the internet when they have their windows of opportunity to use it. When youth do not have constant access to social media and the internet on their phones, they will, by default, have more time to spend exercising, reading, and engaging in person to person communication.
While learning to play offense with the screen-time is important, helping our children and youth develop routines for a good defense is critical. Without defensive routines and principles in their lives, children and youth will learn through hard experience the cost in lost opportunity and poor health that the endless media buffet in our world can cause.
Routines provide us the structure needed to build good habits. Habits shape our lives.
Instilling healthy habits in our children through the practice of routines will do wonders! Think of the health problems, mental illnesses, or addictions that can be avoided through healthy habits. Routines can help our children avoid destructive behaviors and, instead, replace them with empowering habits helping them accomplish their dreams and goals in life.
There are two types of routines that I’d like to discuss: offensive and defensive. Think of offensive routines as a way to use digital technology as a tool for growth, knowledge, and motivation in our lives. Think of defensive routines as a way to help develop boundaries that protect against unhealthy behaviors with digital devices.
Let’s first start with the offensive routines.
In my post, The Game-Changer, I describe the way screen-time can be used as an incentive for other healthy activities that don’t involve being on a screen. The principle of work first, then play is critical for children to learn. It’s very easy for children and youth to fall into the habit of getting on a screen to avoid “work” or activities that appear unpleasant. Helping children and teens get in the habit of completing their work or “less desirable” activities before getting on a screen for entertainment is huge! Establishing routines where children and youth learn to create, work, serve, or exercise in order to “earn” their screen-time will help build healthy habits.
The other offensive routine I’d like to touch on is something I call Passionate Pursuits. As we’re all well aware, the internet provides a wealth of information on just about every conceivable topic. Wikipedia, Khan Academy, and tons of online libraries, are just some of the examples of the incredible resources of information readily available to us. As a result, the information we need to start a new hobby, learn a new skill, or investigate a question about the world is available at our fingertips within seconds. Powerful! So, instead of having children view screens as just a device they watch the next TV show on, we can show them how to use screens to fuel their passions? With a bit of coaching and structure, children can learn quickly how to use their “smart” devices to aid them in active learning and accomplishment.
