Parenting – Page 2 – Empowered4Tomorrow

Create vs Consume: Offense

photo of woman teaching his son while smiling

Routines provide us the structure needed to build good habits. Habits shape our lives.

Instilling healthy habits in our children through the practice of routines will do wonders! Think of the health problems, mental illnesses, or addictions that can be avoided through healthy habits. Routines can help our children avoid destructive behaviors and, instead, replace them with empowering habits helping them accomplish their dreams and goals in life.

There are two types of routines that I’d like to discuss: offensive and defensive. Think of offensive routines as a way to use digital technology as a tool for growth, knowledge, and motivation in our lives. Think of defensive routines as a way to help develop boundaries that protect against unhealthy behaviors with digital devices.

Let’s first start with the offensive routines.

In my post, The Game-Changer, I describe the way screen-time can be used as an incentive for other healthy activities that don’t involve being on a screen. The principle of work first, then play is critical for children to learn. It’s very easy for children and youth to fall into the habit of getting on a screen to avoid “work” or activities that appear unpleasant. Helping children and teens get in the habit of completing their work or “less desirable” activities before getting on a screen for entertainment is huge! Establishing routines where children and youth learn to create, work, serve, or exercise in order to “earn” their screen-time will help build healthy habits.

The other offensive routine I’d like to touch on is something I call Passionate Pursuits. As we’re all well aware, the internet provides a wealth of information on just about every conceivable topic. Wikipedia, Khan Academy, and tons of online libraries, are just some of the examples of the incredible resources of information readily available to us. As a result, the information we need to start a new hobby, learn a new skill, or investigate a question about the world is available at our fingertips within seconds. Powerful! So, instead of having children view screens as just a device they watch the next TV show on, we can show them how to use screens to fuel their passions? With a bit of coaching and structure, children can learn quickly how to use their “smart” devices to aid them in active learning and accomplishment.

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Create vs Consume: Part II

Serving another human-being without expectation of reward uplifts both the giver and receiver. Service is a powerful way to develop understanding of and relatability with other people. It is also a great antidote to too much media consumption on a screen. Whether we serve our family, friends, neighbors, or people we’ve never met before; the effect of serving another person is significant.

smiling adult ethnic female worker serving cute girl in cafe

Just the other day, my seven year old daughter had the idea to draw a picture and send it to her grandparents. Using a beginners guide, she drew pictures of horses and then put the drawings into individual envelopes. She then bugged mom and dad until she got the addresses and stamps needed to send her pictures in the mail. Did her grandparents appreciate her drawings? You bet they did! They loved those rough drawings thoughtfully given by their grand-daughter.

I’m grateful for my daughter’s example of simple service; because, as a parent, I’ve often felt overwhelmed at the thought of doing a big service project that involves a lot of time and energy. So instead of getting overwhelmed, I try to focus on small things my children and I can do that don’t require starting a new charity! One activity my children and I enjoy is making cookies and taking them to neighbors. For birthdays and holidays, I make it a priority to involve my children in making or purchasing gifts for others. I’ve found this is a powerful way to help children think about and celebrate the people around them. Other activities we enjoy are tending a garden or taking care of animals . . . even if it is just our fish. I notice that these activities help my children develop an awareness of the needs of the living things around them.

As children get older, the service activities that interest them will likely change and evolve. Mowing the lawn for a neighbor who has poor health, volunteering time at the local food pantry, or helping elementary school children learn to read are just a few of the many activities our youth can engage with as they get older.

Regardless of our age, service helps us get outside ourselves. It’s easier to notice and feel grateful for the blessings we enjoy in our own lives when we get involved helping those around us. I’m convinced that each of us, including our children, will have better balance in our lives when we make serving others something we do on a regular basis. In fact, to a large extent, the success we experience in our careers and professions is a direct result of how much value we bring to other people’s lives in our given field of service. I believe our children will be that much more prepared to live productive and joyful lives as they take time now to practice serving within their families and communities.

Here are few terrific online resources to discover service opportunities in our own neighborhoods:

unitedway.org

justserve.org

redcrossyouth.org

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Create vs Consume

The Great Salt Lake is the largest body of water in the Western United States. However, unlike most inland lakes, the Great Salt Lake is full of salt water, very salty water. The reason for this is that the Great Salt Lake has no waterways leading out of it. The water runs into the Great Salt Lake from the Jordan River and other tributaries but no creeks or rivers lead out from the lake. The only way water leaves the Great Salt Lake is from evaporation. Because of this, the minerals, including salt, build up and build up leaving the water salty and inhospitable for most forms of life.

In like manner, our children can become sick from consuming too much in their lives and giving, creating, and releasing too little. If children simply consume the movies, videos, pictures, and games others produce, then their minds and bodies will become sick. So how do we teach our children to have a healthy balance in their lives?

First, we need to make sure we are modeling balance in our daily activities. If the bulk of our leisure time is spent on a screen, we shouldn’t be surprised when our children and teenagers follow suit. It takes effort to live a balanced life when the internet and countless media options are constantly available. For myself personally, I’ve found it very beneficial to consciously review how I’m using my time on a screen and make adjustments. It starts with us.

After taking inventory and making adjustments of our own screen-time habits, there are some key areas I’ve found that are very helpful in helping children develop balance between creating and consuming in their own lives. These areas are:

Routines

Service

Gratitude

Let’s start with the last one, first . . . gratitude. Gratitude truly creates magic! Gratitude can transform our attitudes and outlook in a single moment.

The other day, a YouTube ad caught my attention. It was for a non-profit organization CharityWater.org. I stopped what I was doing and watched the 20 minute documentary that showed in detail how the tremendous problem a lack of clean water causes for millions of people around the globe. Wow! Talk about a reality check! I came away from that video with a deep sense of gratitude for the access to excellent water my family and I have. Though our water supply hadn’t changed, my appreciation for the supply of fresh, clean water did! Now, I know that the concept of gratitude isn’t new and you are probably more aware of the amazing things we have to be grateful for in our developed world than I am. However, my question is, do our children have a deep sense of gratitude for the wonderful things they enjoy in their lives each day? Do our children know how their food is grown? Do they understand the work that goes into growing and harvesting crops? Do our children know how the electricity is created that powers the lights, the heat, the refrigerator? Do they consider what effort it took for the home to be built that they live in? Do our children appreciate the marvelous opportunities for learning, working, and recreating that we enjoy in our world? Our children have more blessings available at their fingertips than any other previous generation in the history of the world. Do our children know what it means to feel deeply grateful?

You might be thinking, “this stuff about gratitude is all good, but what does it have to do with screen-time for children? Well . . . it’s human nature and physiology to eat when we feel hungry. When we feel bored, we look for stimulating activities. When we’re sad or fearful, we look for comfort and security. In contrast, gratitude is a choice we make to value the things that already exist in our lives. Gratitude doesn’t require consuming more. Therefore, when our children practice gratitude, the need they feel to consume media will naturally diminish. They will be more resourceful with what is around them. They will also be more likely to notice ways they can serve people around them. And they will be less resistant to implementing routines in their life that build value for themselves and others.

Create vs Consume: Part 2 coming soon!

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Prepared or Freezing?

I took my three children camping this past weekend to south-central Utah. It was wonderful and strenuous! The daytime hours we enjoyed very much, but the night-time hours got very cold. What I had anticipated for the overnight low temperature was off by about 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The temperatures dipped into the 20’s.

In preparing for our early March campout, I had made sure my children each had a sleeping bag and warm blanket. I also brought along an extra sleeping bag to lay over the top of all three of them. Fortunately, they each slept through the night and were sufficiently warm. However, I had overlooked one thing in my preparation . . . warm bedding for myself! I thought a single sleeping bag would be sufficient. I found out otherwise! About 1 am, I woke up to relieve myself and found myself shivering uncontrollably. I knew I needed to warm up somehow. Not wanting to wake the children, or my in-laws who we were camping with, I got into my van and turned on the engine. After a couple minutes waiting for the cars heater to kick in, I remembered that I had brought along an emergency blanket. Knowing I couldn’t keep the van running all night, I decided to give the emergency blanket a try. After lining my sleeping bag with the emergency blanket (and nearly waking up everyone in camp with the crinkly noises), I crawled into my sleeping bag and hoped for the best. It did the trick! The emergency blanket provided enough insulation that I was able to sleep. The following day I was able to function and we had a really enjoyable day! I shudder to think what I would have needed to do had I not had that emergency blanket with me on this campout! If I wasn’t able to warm up in my sleeping bag, I would have been left with turning on the engine of the van periodically through the night to try and keep warm. The following day likely would’ve been ruined! This was a powerful reminder of how important preparation really is.

Like this recent camping experience provided for me, I strongly believe our children need opportunities to test their own preparation. This testing usually doesn’t occur in the digital or virtual realm. A video game where endless character respawning takes place, just doesn’t cut it. Our preparation is tested in the physical world and children need to experience this testing while they are young. Things as simple as learning to ride a bike or planting some garden vegetables provide opportunities to test and learn the principle of preparation. As children grow, physical activities such as team sports, hiking, camping, dancing, or public speaking (to name a few) provide testing needed to learn how to prepare for life’s challenges. So let’s be conscious of this need and make sure that the virtual realm does not take the place of needed growth experiences in the real, physical world.

The Game-Changer

In the summer of 2019, my wife flew out to the Midwest to care for her cousin’s children for a few days. When my wife came back home, she was on fire with motivation to change our screen-time routines.

You see, before my wife had visited her cousin, our approach to screen-time was . . . haphazard. Before my wife’s trip, we only required our children to complete a given amount of school time before they were at their leisure to watch approved TV shows. My wife and I would try to have the kids stop watching shows after about two hours elapsed, but we weren’t consistent. We often felt that our children were spending too much time on screens, but we struggled implementing changes. Once my wife saw what her cousin did to implement healthy boundaries surrounding screen-time, my wife went into action and quickly convinced me to get on board.

The changes that my wife and I implemented were really quite simple. Instead of having screen-time as a default activity, we started requiring our children to earn their screen time by doing a set amount of household chores. Each child was given a different number of chores to complete based on their age and capability. Once a child completed their chores and checked them off with Mom or Dad, then the child could have leisure screen time watching approved shows or activities. At this same time, we also let them know what they could expect for the time-frame they could be on a screen.

This simple system brought about fabulous changes and still does! First off, the house is cleaner and stays cleaner! In fact, our children sometimes get so invested in doing household chores that they get into arguments over who does what chore as they try and jockey for chores that appear “easier” or more desirable. As a parent, this is a good problem to have 😉

Another huge positive is that there is an established limit regarding the amount of leisure screen-time each child is allowed per day. (Now, I have to be honest here . . . we are very imperfect at enforcing the screen-time limit. There are times when the screen time our children end up getting is greater than the limit we originally set. However, we are much better limiting the amount of screen-time our children get now than we were prior to implementing this system.)

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, this system supports children in learning healthy habits with their use of technology. Instead of giving children a free pass to leisure screen time, we are teaching them the principle of work before play. Screen time is viewed as a privilege rather than an automatic pass. The beautiful thing about this system is that it works well with activities other than just household chores. Requiring that our children engage in activities such as music practice, reading a book, or some type of physical exercise are examples of some excellent alternatives to use within this system. By requiring children to “earn” their screen time through accomplishing other healthy activities, children are taught and encouraged to manage their screen time rather than the other way around.

So what is “The Game-Changer?”

It is leveraging screen time as a reward for other healthy behaviors.

Do this by identifying an activity, or set of activities, children are required to do before they are allowed to get on a screen for leisure. Make sure the expectations are clear up front and then enjoy the teaching and results that come about.

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Ferrari in L.A.

I was talking with my brother-in-law yesterday evening. We got talking about technology and screen-time. I voiced some of my concerns with giving smartphones to our children. I said, “giving a smartphone to a child is like giving them a Ferrari when they just got their Learner’s Permit. My brother-in-law added, “yeah, giving them a Ferrari in L.A.” We both had a good laugh at this ridiculous analogy, and yet . . . this analogy is probably not far off.

What is it exactly that we’re giving our kids when we give them a smart-phone? Is it access to the contacts of few friends and neighbors? Is it a modest school library of books and literature? Is it a year-long pass to the local movie theater?

Of course not! We are literally giving our children the ability to access social media platforms with millions of potential contacts. We are giving them access to millions and millions of videos, thousands upon thousands of games, and the vastest library of information mankind has ever known! Woah!! Now, is it incredible to have access to “Ferrari’s” that fit nicely into our pockets? Yes! Absolutely! Is it awe-inspiring to have access to more information on our smartphone than is contained in a thousand libraries? Without a doubt! I hope we can begin to appreciate the incredible opportunities we have from the digital technology available to us! At the same time, the need to lay a groundwork for the safe and effective use of our digital technology is huge, and it’s urgent!

Think about driving. When anyone is learning to drive, what sort of conditions are they placed in? Do we place a 15 or 16 year old youth behind the wheel of a Ferrari in downtown L.A. and say “go at it kid, figure it out.” Of course not! That would be ludicrous! Bear with me a moment as I describe how I learned to drive.

When I was learning to drive and trying to get my driver’s license, I had to pass a written exam before I could even sit in the driver’s seat of a car. After passing the written exam, I was only allowed to drive a car with an instructor in a parking lot the size of a football field. Only after proving I could parallel park, back up in a figure eight, and knew how to use the blinker, was I allowed to drive around town with the instructor. Oh and by the way, these cars I trained in were low-end cars. No Corvette’s, Audi’s, Lexus’s, or SUV’s of any sort. These were simple, base-model cars.

Now I know my experience in learning to drive is not unique. These circumstances and this process is how most of us learn to drive. The risks are minimized and a training process followed to teach people how to drive for the first time. So what if we used a similar approach to teach and train our children on how to use wisely and safely use their smart-phones and media devices?

Ferrari in L.A. Part II . . .

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Lessons from the Beach

A couple wonderful hours was all we could handle of being at the beach this afternoon. Even as I write this post my shins and ankles burn with the heat poured into them from the powerful sunlight. Was it worth it? Oh, yeah! It was so worth it! The moderate burning sensations on my legs remind me of the tremendous beauty and power of the earth’s elements that we encountered at the beach. I also can’t help but see incredible contrasts between our experience at the beach today, and what we experience during screen-time.

Cold Ocean Water: While boogie boarding, my toes went numb after 15 minutes and my muscles wouldn’t respond properly.

Screens numb us slowly overtime Excessive screen-time will make our bodies struggle to perform normally.

Sunlight: The sunshine is so nice at the beach. It is also very powerful! 15-20 minutes was all it took for virgin skin to burn if not protected by sunscreen, clothing, or shade.

Media available through our screens is vast and very powerful at provoking emotion and chemical stimuli for our brain. Media filters , parental guidance, and time-frame boundaries are some key protections that can be implemented to protect against addiction, anxiety, and other mental disorders possible through exposure to toxic or excessive media.

Ocean Waves: according to your size weight and position, the four foot waves could topple you over and fill your ears and nose with salt water. Toddlers and children were especially vulnerable to getting knocked over by the waves.

Screen-time is very similar in that it can easily disrupt the cognitive development of children. The younger the child, the more potent and disruptive screen-time can be to their brain functioning and development. (See sources below)

You see, we couldn’t change the elements we encountered at the beach. We could only prepare and adapt to the best of our ability. Once our physical limitations were reached, we had to stop and come up to higher ground on the beach. We needed to warm up and replenish before going back to the water. If we pushed beyond our natural limitations or ventured too far, we suffered some unpleasant consequences. These consequences could be as simple as sunburn or getting a mouthful of seawater. If we chose to really ignore our limitations, we risked even tragic consequences.

In contrast, we don’t encounter physical limitations in the same way when we are on a screen. When we are on a screen, we become less and less aware of our bodies. Whereas, being at the beach or other outdoor settings tend to heighten our body awareness, being on a screen tends to decrease our cognitive awareness of our bodies. This is one of the main reasons why it is very important to have healthy boundaries with the amount and frequency of screen-time we engage in. Our children need healthy boundaries with screen-time in order to live healthy and productive lives. They need our coaching and example in order to establish healthy habits, especially with screen-time being such an integral part of life.

Canadian Paediatric Society, Digital Health Task Force, Ottawa, Ontario, Screen time and young children: Promoting health and development in a digital world, Paediatrics & Child Health, Volume 22, Issue 8, December 2017, Pages 461–468, https://doi.org/10.1093/pch/pxx123

Lin, Ling-Yi et al. “Effects of television exposure on developmental skills among young children.” Infant behavior & development vol. 38 (2015): 20-6. doi:10.1016/j.infbeh.2014.12.005