Screen-time – Empowered4Tomorrow

The Unpopular but Essential Skill

The Skill of Discipline

As parents, the word “discipline” may very well trigger feelings such as drudgery, inadequacy, or weariness. If you ask me, this reaction isn’t surprising. We may have developed negative associations with “discipline” from our growing up years; or at the very least, we likely have experienced parental fatigue trying to “discipline” our own children. To counter this reaction, I recommend thinking of discipline as a practice of refocusing. This is particularly helpful when it comes to the approach we take to screen-time.

Developing a daily practice of refocusing is necessary for each of us to become the masters of our screen-time rather than servants. For example, how much effort does it take to become distracted on our smartphones, laptops, or tablets? Mmm . . . yeah, like no effort at all! A small twitch of our thumb is all it takes to swipe, scroll, or tap the touchscreen of our smart-phone and become lost in distraction. It’s not so much a matter of if we will get distracted, but rather a matter of how quickly we can recognize we are getting distracted and refocus our attention on things that matter. So how can we teach our children how to refocus their attention and avoid habits of perpetual distraction with screens?

Disciplined Defense

Teaching our kids to delay gratification by doing chores, homework, exercise, or art before getting on a screen for entertainment, teaches them focus and discipline. When our children learn to stick to screen-time, time limits, they learn how to discipline and refocus. When our children learn to turn off their screens at bed-time, and keep them off, refocus and discipline are developed. When our teenagers get up in the morning and take time to meditate or exercise before checking their phones, this is discipline. All of these practices help and train our children and youth to focus or refocus on things with valuable, long-lasting results.

Disciplined Offense

In the post, With Purpose, I highlight the powerful impact having a goal or purpose in mind gives to our screen-time. As we help our children identify things they want to learn, accomplish and experience in life; screen-time can become a powerful tool to propel them forward in the pursuit of exciting accomplishments with long-lasting value. Developing the discipline to think about what they intend to accomplish by getting on a screen will empower our children and youth to do awesome things in their life!

Putting It Together

I’ve seen in my own family how routines help younger children learn to delay gratification (albeit often grudgingly ;-). Routines also help them learn the skill of refocusing their attention on the physical needs of their bodies, home, and those around them. For teenagers, helping them identify motivating goals along with supportive routines can encourage them to develop their discipline and refocusing muscles. Implementing new routines involving discipline will likely be difficult at first. However, as we listen to our children as they share their concerns as well as their dreams and goals, understanding and buy-in will come. With clear communication and loving encouragement, our children and teenagers will grow in their ability to practice focus and discipline in their approach to screens. As our children and youth practice discipline with screen-time, marvelous results will come. The level of joy, fulfillment, and health they experience in their lives will be much greater as a result.

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With Purpose: Part 2

“Our focus is our future and what we focus on will multiply in our life.”

— David DeNotaris

Have a Goal in Mind

While Minecraft and Mario may be engaging games to play on a screen, the investment in these games is unlikely to grow real food, build real buildings, or earn real money. What video and computer games can provide is a leisurely activity to enjoy. Having a fun activity to do in our leisure time is but one of so many things we can use our screen-time for. Here are some other reasons we may want to engage in screen-time:

Communicate with others

Help us learn a skill

Help us build or fix something

Gain understanding on just about any topic in the world

Gain insights into a problem or challenge we are dealing with

Find things that inspire and uplift us

Prepare for a trip

Document a trip or experience

Shop

Earn a living

Start a business

I’m sure you can think of many more things that screen-time can be used for that I did not include here. The point is that there are so many valuable things screen-time can be used for when approached with a specific goal in mind. To help our children learn to use screen-time with purpose, we can ask them what it is they want to accomplish. For example, when our son or daughter comes to us wanting to play a video game, we can help them see that this activity accomplishes having fun in their leisure time, but we can also be clear with them that video games don’t get the house clean, magically complete their homework, or encourage them to eat a healthy diet. With practice, children can come to see screen-time differently than simply a endless supply of entertainment. With coaching and practice, our children can quickly learn that screen-time can help them accomplish so many great things in life when they approach it with a specific goal in mind.

Time Limited

When was the last time you received an assignment at work and were given no deadline for completing the assignment? Or when have any one of your children received a homework assignment with no due date? These scenarios don’t happen very often, if ever. Why is that? Well, without a deadline there’s really no accountability for completing a task or assignment. If something doesn’t have a deadline or time constraint, it’s the same as giving that task or goal zero priority. The task or goal either won’t get done or it will be given a time constraint to ensure it does get accomplished.

When we ourselves, or our children, get on a screen with no clear idea of when we are going to get off and do other things, we are setting ourselves up for compromise in other areas of our lives. Whether it’s sleep, nutrition, exercise, or time spent with family, we are likely to push out valuable things in our life when we don’t have a clear stopping point for our screen-time. Furthermore, when we approach screen-time as a tool to help us accomplish a goal, we naturally have an end point. In my experience so far, I’ve seen that children respond quickly to clear time limits, especially when they understand why the time limit is in place. Having discussions with our children as to why it’s important to have limits with screen-time will help them look for ways they can grow and progress in other areas of their lives.

Photos from Mt. Timpanogos, Utah

Quote from fearlessmotivation.com

With Purpose

Picture yourself at a Buffet of awesome, amazing food that just makes your mouth water . . . Then imagine that you have three hours before your next appt. If you’re currently on a diet, pretend this is a cheat day without any restrictions. How are the next three hours going to go? The first hour will probably be pretty blissful. The second hour you’ll probably feel sick and the third hour will likely just be eating out of boredom. Now picture your children at that same buffet . . . How will their next three hours go? If your kids are picky like mine, then their courses for the next three hours are going to be filled with fruit, lemonade, mac and cheese, and any dessert they can get their hands on. To put it plainly, our children aren’t going to fare any better than we are at a buffet without limits.

When we get on our smart-phones, tablets, TVs, and computers; it’s very much like we are entering an enormous all you can eat buffet. The videos, pictures, games, music, news, and information are truly endless. In like manner, if we don’t have any goal in mind and some clear boundaries for ourselves, we will make ourselves sick gorging on the never-ending buffet of media available to us on our digital screens.

So how do we approach screen-time with purpose and help our children learn this vital skill?

Let’s start with what purposeful screen-time is not:

It’s not a Distraction

Allowing ourselves to be distracted frequently with screens diminishes our ability to engage in meaningful ways with the world around us. If our favorite online games, TV shows, or news headlines perpetually distract us, the time energy and focus we have to spend pursuing meaningful dreams and goals in our lives also decreases. Perpetual distraction will also detract from the quality and depth of our relationships we might otherwise enjoy with our close family members and friends.

It’s not an Escape

Just like the habit of eating unhealthy food as a way to cope with negative emotions can create a big health issue in any one of our lives, allowing our children to use screen-time as a perpetual escape from discomfort also builds a habit that can create big, big problems down the road. Using screen-time to escape or numb out negative emotions or discomfort builds dependency on screen-time. Addiction to stimulating screen-time activities such as video gaming or pornography naturally follow when a habit of using screen-time as an escape is developed.

Now, you may be thinking, “What about screen-time just for fun? Or as entertainment? What about screen-time for relaxation and unwinding?”

I would actually say that all of those things; fun, entertainment, relaxation, and unwinding are good purposes and goals with which to use screen-time. The difference is that we have a clear intention for our screen-time ahead of time.

So what does it take to be purposeful in our use of screen-time?

Two Things:

Have a Goal in Mind

Keep it Time limited

person standing on slope glacier mountain

With Purpose: Part II coming soon . . .

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Bottom Photo by S Migaj on Pexels.com

Paddling Together

Canoes are fun to take on lakes and rivers because they are so responsive to every paddle stroke. This makes them nimble and easy to maneuver on the water. However, until you get used to maintaining a forward direction with your paddling; you’re likely going to go in a zig-zag pattern trying to get to your destination. It’s ideal to have a second person in the canoe helping to paddle. A second paddler can make the journey much easier and more efficient . . . as long as both paddlers are on the same page.

Communication is key.

Imagine being in a canoe wanting to go left to the shore but not communicating this to the other person paddling. When you make adjustments to turn the canoe, the other person will make counter adjustments to correct what you just did. It won’t be until we communicate our desires to our canoe partner, that we will be able to work together towards a mutually agreed upon destination. In like manner, it is critical to speak and communicate clearly with those around us the things we are striving to do change with our screen-time habits and routines. If our spouse and children do not understand what we are trying to do and why we are trying to do it, we will make little progress changing screen-time habits in our homes. It will be like being in a canoe fighting the other paddler as you each try and get to different destinations.

Unspoken expectations are breeding grounds for resentment and contention. In my relationship with my wife, I’ve found that I don’t naturally voice everything I’m thinking and expecting to have happen. I’m really good at expecting things to be done a certain way without communicating what I’m thinking. And, oh boy! This caused grief and tension between my wife and I. I’ve noticed this pattern and try to voice everything I’m wanting to have happen. It’s amazing how the tension melts away once I explain verbally what I would like to see happen. Instead of negative feelings getting pent up and defensiveness ensuing, I put myself in a position to work with my wife to accomplish what I want when I voice my desires. Though I still forget at times, this practice has helped us work together on individual and collective goals with much greater harmony and less tension.

These same principles are at play as we strive to improve the screen-time habits our children engage in. Our spouse and children will be much, much . . . did I say MUCH!– more likely to cooperate in changing screen-time routines when they understand what our vision is! By sharing our vision of how better screen-time habits and healthy routines will benefit each individual person in our home, we will afford each family member the opportunity to buy into our vision and start paddling with us!

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Lessons from the Beach

A couple wonderful hours was all we could handle of being at the beach this afternoon. Even as I write this post my shins and ankles burn with the heat poured into them from the powerful sunlight. Was it worth it? Oh, yeah! It was so worth it! The moderate burning sensations on my legs remind me of the tremendous beauty and power of the earth’s elements that we encountered at the beach. I also can’t help but see incredible contrasts between our experience at the beach today, and what we experience during screen-time.

Cold Ocean Water: While boogie boarding, my toes went numb after 15 minutes and my muscles wouldn’t respond properly.

Screens numb us slowly overtime Excessive screen-time will make our bodies struggle to perform normally.

Sunlight: The sunshine is so nice at the beach. It is also very powerful! 15-20 minutes was all it took for virgin skin to burn if not protected by sunscreen, clothing, or shade.

Media available through our screens is vast and very powerful at provoking emotion and chemical stimuli for our brain. Media filters , parental guidance, and time-frame boundaries are some key protections that can be implemented to protect against addiction, anxiety, and other mental disorders possible through exposure to toxic or excessive media.

Ocean Waves: according to your size weight and position, the four foot waves could topple you over and fill your ears and nose with salt water. Toddlers and children were especially vulnerable to getting knocked over by the waves.

Screen-time is very similar in that it can easily disrupt the cognitive development of children. The younger the child, the more potent and disruptive screen-time can be to their brain functioning and development. (See sources below)

You see, we couldn’t change the elements we encountered at the beach. We could only prepare and adapt to the best of our ability. Once our physical limitations were reached, we had to stop and come up to higher ground on the beach. We needed to warm up and replenish before going back to the water. If we pushed beyond our natural limitations or ventured too far, we suffered some unpleasant consequences. These consequences could be as simple as sunburn or getting a mouthful of seawater. If we chose to really ignore our limitations, we risked even tragic consequences.

In contrast, we don’t encounter physical limitations in the same way when we are on a screen. When we are on a screen, we become less and less aware of our bodies. Whereas, being at the beach or other outdoor settings tend to heighten our body awareness, being on a screen tends to decrease our cognitive awareness of our bodies. This is one of the main reasons why it is very important to have healthy boundaries with the amount and frequency of screen-time we engage in. Our children need healthy boundaries with screen-time in order to live healthy and productive lives. They need our coaching and example in order to establish healthy habits, especially with screen-time being such an integral part of life.

Canadian Paediatric Society, Digital Health Task Force, Ottawa, Ontario, Screen time and young children: Promoting health and development in a digital world, Paediatrics & Child Health, Volume 22, Issue 8, December 2017, Pages 461–468, https://doi.org/10.1093/pch/pxx123

Lin, Ling-Yi et al. “Effects of television exposure on developmental skills among young children.” Infant behavior & development vol. 38 (2015): 20-6. doi:10.1016/j.infbeh.2014.12.005